When the Past Unexpectedly Knocks on Your Door
Do you know that feeling when you think you have something all figured out, it looks like it, and then it jumps on you like a monkey on your back when you least expect it? That happened to me a few days ago. Although this story is very personal, I decided to share it because you might be dealing with something similar, and it might help you cope better.
To set the scene, I need to take you back a few years to the last weeks of my previous relationship. Unplanned, unexpected, and at an inconvenient time, I got pregnant. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I knew my partner didn't have any children (at least none that I knew of), so despite the bad timing, I thought it might be okay. I was 30 at the time and knew that I wouldn't want another child later, for several reasons.
However, my then-partner didn't react as I had hoped. He was quite dismissive. He disappeared for a few days, saying we'd deal with it when he returned, but I didn't have time to wait. I was at the point where I still had the option for a non-invasive solution. I had no idea what to do. I just cried and felt a sense of helplessness I had never experienced before. Deciding what to do about another human life is not easy, and I was quite against making such a decision.
I begged the universe or whatever you want to call it to help me decide, to give me a sign of the right solution. Interestingly, my son Jakub, who had no idea about the situation, came to me one day and asked, "Mom, do you think if you had a baby with XY, it would be healthy?" I said, "Yes, I think so," and he replied, "I don't think so." What the hell just happened?
I was in shock, but it helped me decide. I took it as the sign I had asked for. I was unhappy, confused, sad, but within 24 hours, I had to tell my doctor my decision. I decided to undergo a non-invasive abortion using two pills, which can be taken up to the end of the 6th-7th week. I was at the upper limit. I booked an appointment at a private clinic, where they took me the next day.
I had no idea what to expect. My best friend accompanied me to the clinic and took me home. Everything the doctor said could happen, though he spoke of a much milder course, happened that evening. My then-partner was still out of the country, so I was really alone. I thought I was handling it well until I couldn't even make it to the bathroom, had severe cramps, and was bleeding so heavily I didn't know whether to call an ambulance. I called my friend to come over and stay the night because I was scared. She came and, seeing my state, didn't leave my side and checked on me all night to see if I was breathing.
The next two days were similar. When I felt better, I decided to forget about it forever and never talk about it. Since then, I never spoke about it with anyone, and my then-partner never knew and doesn't know what happened that night. I didn't want him to think it was some form of manipulation or guilt-tripping. It was a horrible experience, and about a year later, my friend admitted she was afraid I wouldn't make it through the night.
This experience significantly damaged our trust and belief in the viability of our relationship. Although I wanted to close this chapter, I felt betrayed that he wasn't there when I needed him. I don't blame him today; I wasn't the ideal example of communication skills and maturity back then either. I was just lashing out because I didn't know how to handle myself or the situation. Nevertheless, we couldn't make it work in the next couple of weeks and went our separate ways.
By sweeping this entire ordeal under the rug and deciding never to revisit it, I set myself up for a huge internal trauma, which resurfaced and jumped on me a few days ago when I heard the news that my ex and his current partner might be expecting. Damn, suddenly all the emotions and memories that were buried deep and completely suppressed surfaced.
It was all back as if it were happening again right now. So, I had to deal with a lot of thoughts and doubts. The worst part was imagining that I had suffered so much, and now he might be thrilled about becoming a father. Even though the relationship has long been over, and I have no real reason to be bothered by it, it took me back in time.
I immediately had thoughts I didn't want to accept because I thought they said something about me. The idea of a happy family and all that we could have experienced together consumed me. I searched for a way out. I asked myself how I would handle it if a client came to me with this issue… Suddenly, the solution was much clearer to me… Accept it. It sounds like a cliché, I know, but bear with me, I'll explain.
I began to imagine everything that scared me in detail. Initially, it wasn't a pleasant thought and evoked a mix of various emotions. "Surprisingly" of a negative nature. I was very specific, imagining how this process would ideally unfold for us back then, but as an observer, not a participant. It started with pain, anger, sadness, frustration, a sense of betrayal, rejection, feelings of inadequacy, and ended with relief and the realization that everything is as it should be. I allowed myself to experience all these emotions.
I thought about why it bothered me so much, why this news affected me. Why did this news hit me so hard? I realized that it was never really about him, or whether he would be a happy or unhappy father, or if he would become a father at all. It was about me having to go through this process and deal with everything I had forbidden myself to feel back then. I had to energetically go back to that couch when I couldn't move, couldn't sleep, eat, drink, and just lay there with tears in my eyes, not understanding what was happening and primarily refusing to feel anything because I wasn't able to process emotions. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. And this news had to come to me because if it hadn't, I would never have voluntarily opened this forbidden box of emotions again. Maybe I would have carried it within me for several more years, maybe several decades, until someone else would open this forbidden box. Maybe it would have even caused a lot of harm to my future relationships. And you know what? Relief finally came. I finally allowed myself to let it out.
Phew, that was intense. I must admit I was very hesitant to share my personal story, but it seems like a useful example of what happens when we don't process a situation. Sooner or later, it always catches up with us.
Autor: Sylvie Bennett