The Dangers of the "Just Play It Cool" Approach at the Beginning of a Relationship
We've met someone we like and want to show our best possible side. We think about what we say, how we behave, and how we want to come across. Maybe we've even read tips and tricks like: "Create the impression that nothing is a problem, nothing bothers you, and you're cool with everything." Such a relaxed partner is what everyone wants—a partner so easygoing that nothing fazes them. But... This "cool" facade can't be maintained long-term if it's not our true nature. Sooner or later, our real self, the one that is bothered by certain things the other person does, will start to show, and this is where we clash with reality. The other person won't understand why suddenly something bothers us and why we've changed so much. In truth, we haven't changed; we just stopped playing the initial "cool" role.
We can certainly impress someone this way and convince them to enter a relationship with us, but at the cost of pretending to be someone we're not. A great example of this is my friend, who fully adapts to what her date enjoys right from the start of dating. Does he love hockey? Ok, suddenly she loves hockey too, even though she can't tell who the home team is or what offside means. Does he enjoy hiking? She now loves it too, even though she'd much rather be lounging on a beach with a drink in hand. Such a kindred spirit, right? So many shared interests... If her date doesn't call for two weeks because he's "too busy," that's fine on the surface. She's completely understanding and doesn't let it bother her; she doesn't want to come across as clingy. But in reality, she spends those two weeks at home, agonizing over what she did wrong, feeling miserable. Yet, in her new role, she brushes it off with a smile as soon as the phone rings. What happens next? Yes, she finds herself in the same situation again.
Let's say this behavior actually convinces the other person to enter a relationship with her. As time goes on, she keeps trying to maintain the image of her initial role, but her energy wanes, frustration builds, and it snowballs like a snowball rolling down a hill. Then it happens—a blow-up full of accusations about the partner's behavior, irritability, mood swings, anger. The partner doesn't understand what's happening, why she has changed so much. Arguments start, differing opinions arise, and they realize that they have completely different ideas about how the relationship should work.
The biggest problem isn't that we try to please someone—that's natural; we prefer to show our strengths rather than our weaknesses. The problem arises when we set unrealistic expectations for the relationship by going against our own beliefs, priorities, and expectations. So, if we're dating someone and their behavior hurts us or we don't like it, it's absolutely necessary to communicate this to them.
How Can We Avoid a Similar Scenario?
Here are 3 tips to help establish meaningful, long-term relationships:
Stay True to Your Values and Beliefs: To remain authentic in a relationship, it's crucial to stay true to your own values and beliefs. Don't downplay what's important to you just to impress someone or meet their expectations. Be honest with yourself and your expectations, and stand by them even if it means expressing opinions different from your partner's. True connection is built on shared values and mutual respect.
Determine If You Share the Same Values: It's important to discuss with your potential partner your and their values, expectations, and priorities. If your priority is to build a home and start a family, but your partner wants to travel the world and has no interest in starting a family, your expectations for the relationship might not align. And that's perfectly fine. We often fear this step because we might hear something we don't want to hear—like finding out your visions are completely different. However, clarifying this can save a lot of time and heartache. Don't rely on changing your partner to fit your vision.
Communicate Openly and Honestly: Open and honest communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If something bothers you, if you need your partner to do more or less of something, talk about it. Sometimes the other person might not even realize they're doing something that bothers or hurts you, and if you don't express your feelings and share why their behavior affects you negatively, they won't have the chance to change it.
It's definitely better to find a partner who loves us for who we are rather than for someone we're pretending to be. A relationship where we have to act like someone else to fit into another's expectations can lead to losing ourselves, which won't bring us peace or fulfillment. Playing games and pretending doesn't bode well for the future and can cause much deeper scars and more pain than if we had stayed true to ourselves and avoided such a relationship altogether.
Autor: Sylvie Bennett